Today was a yellow pill day. Before I opened my eyes I knew I was already on edge. These days are triggered by hormonal changes and by fluctuations in my serotonin level.
My depression is normally controlled by my daily Wellbutrin, but there are days like today where the monster inside my head is rattling the bars of her cage. I’ve blogged about this before http://www.healingjourneyblog.com/2014/04/20/lost-day/. An event doesn’t trigger it. I just wake up and my depression is roaring in anger.
Some days I’m not aware of my unusual depression until something pisses me off. It could be something as simple as a can opener not working or Ernie innocently teasing me. I can feel the rage bubble up and burst through my emotional fences and I feel hot tears threatening. My throat closes and my heart races. I tremble.
Stupid little inconsequential things throw me into an emotional whirlwind worthy of the cartoon Tasmanian Devil. I hate myself on days like this. My depression takes over my personality and I am not fit for human consumption. I lose the entire day waiting for the rage to pass. I can feel the anger trembling through my body, coursing through my veins.
I frighten my dogs and irritate Ernie on these depression breakthrough days. The only thing to do is quarantine myself and wait for the day to pass. The extra yellow pill I have been given, Clonazepam, smooths the frayed edges enough that I can be at home alone safely and let the day pass.
There was a period a few years ago when my anti-depressants weren’t working and my psychiatrist turned me into a human guinea pig in his efforts to help me. I tried every type of anti-depressant, finally setting on the yellow clonazepam for daytimes and the white Atarax for night. I can still function and drive and talk to people on the clonazepam. The Atarax knocks me down. It’s what I use for a sleeping pill on those nights when my ever-thinking brain refuses to shut down.
My anti-depressants usually do a solid job of controlling my anger and depression. Luckily days like this don’t happen as often as they used to before I took anti-depressants. Also I have a career where I have time flexibility and can take whatever time I need to heal.
Also, I have gone through enough days like this to know that “This too shall pass.” Like Scarlett O’Hara, I know that “Tomorrow WILL be better day.”